


A Different Time

by TK_Extraordinaire



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alec Lightwood-centric, Angst, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Depressed Alec Lightwood, Good Parent Maryse Lightwood, Happy Ending, Homophobic Language, I think?, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, POV Multiple, POV Outsider, Robert Lightwood Being an Asshole, Supportive Isabelle Lightwood, Supportive Jace Wayland
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-30
Updated: 2019-07-30
Packaged: 2020-07-27 12:15:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20045866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TK_Extraordinaire/pseuds/TK_Extraordinaire
Summary: Distantly, Izzy remembers a time before Jace Wayland came tearing through their lives with his cocky attitude and outlandish skills.Jace vividly remembers a time before Magnus waltzed into their lives with his flamboyant charm and shameless flirting.Maryse cherishes the time she remembers when Alec was happy.Regretfully, Alec remembers a time full of sacrifice.An outside look on how Alec evolved through the years.





	A Different Time

**Author's Note:**

> So, I am working on a multi chapter fic but this kind of just happened at 2am when I was supposed to be sleeping. It's not as well written as I'd like, especially considering this is the first work I've ever posted.
> 
> Anyhow, enjoy.

Distantly, Izzy remembers a time before Jace Wayland came tearing into their lives with his cocky attitude and outlandish skills. She remembers an Alec that was different. Albeit not by much.

He was the boy that stood ramrod straight, only slouching when he thought no one was looking, curling into himself as if he was trying to disappear. He still had that quiet ferociousness to him; he bottled his emotions until they came spilling out in waves, usually in the form of a scathing lecture. And, of course, he was still a big brother.

Before Jace came, Alec always said goodnight to baby Max. A lullaby when their mother had left the room. He was sure to leave his door slightly ajar and always had an extra blanket at the foot of the bed for Izzy whenever she couldn’t sleep. Her brother would always sleep on one side of the small bed leaving plenty of room. But before Jace came, Alec was the boy who didn’t believe in himself. (In fact, that also seemed to be a recurring theme throughout Alec’s adolescence.) He was the boy whose smiles were rare and laughs ever rarer. The shocking maturity among the rest of the kids having stupid fun. He was the one trying so desperately to hit the bullseye he forgot why he was shooting in the first place.

The change was gradual. Naturally, it started with the target. When the arrows littering the outer rings seem to gravitate to the center. Next, it was the nightmares. Izzy’s not sure exactly what happened, but the frantic energy underneath Jace’s confident persona seemed to dissipate. After that, things just clicked. Izzy would catch Alec sneaking Jace extra dessert as he did for Izzy, curling into one corner of the bed so Jace could lie at his feet with an additional blanket. His self-confidence rose (in hindsight maybe he just learned to hide his insecurities better) and it was replaced with sarcastic remarks and scathing blows. Then, it was the sparring.

Their parents had been called away to Idris for Clave business. And after a lot of convincing and rigorous sweet-talking, Izzy and Jace convinced Alec to sneak down into the training room after curfew. Izzy’s pretty sure that it was the first time Alec had ever broken a goddamn rule in his life (they were, after all, made to be broken) because he was so nervous. But still, ever the dutiful brother, he followed, watching their backs just as he would continue to do so for the rest of their lives. Eventually, he loosened up and started to have fun with it.

_Three go in, three come out. _

It was their promise, their motto.

Now Izzy wasn’t alone. Now Alec wasn’t alone. Because now he has another person to force a power bar down his throat when he’d gotten so caught up in Clave mandates and paperwork he’d forgotten to eat anything all day. And to heal his bleeding knuckles when he’s had a particularly bad day and a nasty bout with a punching bag. Or to gently remind him that he’s already had seventeen cups of coffee today and it’s time for him to sleep. Because seriously Alec, one more cup and it’ll probably kill you. So maybe Alec isn’t perfect and that he still has a couple of issues to work out, but it’s sure of a hell of a lot better than before. Because now at least, he’s got a sister and a parabatai in his corner.

When Magnus enters their life, it becomes purely impossible.

***

Jace vividly remembers a time before Magnus Bane waltzed into their lives with his flamboyant charm and shameless flirting. He remembers an Alec that was different. Drastically.

He was the boy that stood ramrod straight, only slouching when he thought no one was looking, curling into himself as if he was trying to disappear. He still had that quiet ferociousness to him; he bottled his emotions until they came spilling out in waves, usually in the form of a scathing lecture. And, of course, he was still a big brother.

Except now, he didn’t need to curl into one corner of his bed or sing a lullaby to Max. However, this didn’t stop him from tearing into Jace’s room whenever their rune gave him the slightest notion Jace was in distress, or from beating the shit out of any boys who dared to disrespect Izzy (although she was perfectly capable of defending herself and it usually happened in much subtler ways once he became acting head of the Institute, like ichor duty, and in one case, Wrangel Island, Raj is just a jerk.)

Before Magnus came, Alec was the guy who was full of so much self-hatred, yet hid it so well. So well, that he somehow managed to mask it through the bond. Turning it to a sharp overbearing pain to a dull throb Jace didn’t even notice. His smiles were often fake. A pretense of happiness or out of politeness. His laughs were almost unheard of. There was a dark cloud over his head and the weight of the world on his shoulders. He was the guy so desperately trying to be good enough, he forgot who he was. And it hurt to see him like this. Alec spent so much of his time and well being looking after others, but not himself.

Sometimes Jace will wake up in the middle of the night in pain. But it’s not his pain, it’s Alec’s. He would follow the sounds of heaving punches to the training room where his parabatai had the gall to feel guilty. So they’d sit there. Shoulder to shoulder through the night. Most times, Alec would let him heal his hands, others, the only contact allowed was the slight brush of their shoulders. Once he asked Alec why he wouldn’t let others help him. Alec only looked at him with a resigned look on his face.

'_Don’t you see, Jace? I’m not worth it. It’s not worth saving the damned.' _

Every time Jace had to remind Alec to eat something, or fix the broken skin of his hands, or even when he sparred with Alec, Jace thoughtof what he said that night. And it hurt. Every. Single. Fucking. Time. Alec hid it so well. Hell, the little shit acted like it was normal, as if it was expected.

When Alec first met Magnus, the cloud that had been growing darker, and the weight that had been growing to the point of destroying him, seemed to lighten a bit. Not nearly enough, but enough for Jace to relax a bit. When Alec strode down that aisle and kissed Magnus, in front of almost everyone he knew and the Clave officials, Jace couldn’t be prouder. The smile on Alec’s face made something bloom in Jace’s chest.

Alec holds himself higher. Not the parade rest that’s been drilled into them since before they could walk, but something better. With his head up and eyes shining bright. And yeah, it nearly killed him to see Alec on that ledge, but Magnus saved him and would do so again.

When things have finally slowed down, (a little, as much as it can when you’re in love with Clary Fairchild) he finds himself thanking Magnus. They’re surrounded by their loved ones and Magnus’s wedding ring glints in the light. It’s one of the few moments the grooms have been separated since Magnus got back from Edom and Jace takes advantage.

‘_Thank you_’ Jace says with utmost sincerity.

Magnus looks at him as if he’s grown a second head. ‘_What for?_’

‘_It’s like… it’s like my mother. Celine. I never knew her so I could never miss her, right? It’s like this. I knew he was unhappy but I never knew how bad it was until I felt him… happy. In love.’_ Jace glances over to where Alec is dancing clumsily along with Max and Izzy. He takes in the carefree smile and utter joy pulsing through the bond. Maybe Jace remembered a different Alec, this was infinitely so much better.

***

Maryse cherishes the time she remembers when Alec was happy.

He was the little boy who gave his heart without question. He had a certain rambunctiousness about him that stole the hearts of everyone else in the Institute. Maryse remembers a sky blue hoodie, patterned with white silhouettes of sea turtles, that Alec wore everywhere. It was too big when she bought for him, so for the longest time, he was practically drowning in it. Maryse remembers Alec wearing the same hoodie as he held baby Isabelle for the first time, his quiet promises to always protect her warming her heart. He always insisted to sit by her crib until she fell asleep every night. She remembers his shy, but proud smile when he and Isabelle brought her that horrid soup after her mother died.

It wasn’t until Alec strode down that aisle and snapped at her when she realized with a shock, she couldn’t remember when he stopped being her little boy anymore. She couldn’t remember when he stopped smiling. She couldn’t even pinpoint when Alec had outgrown his beloved sweater and started favouring black.

Maybe it was around the time when she started telling to do better. That he wasn’t good enough. Maybe, it started when he heard how disgusted Robert was when he spit the word '_fags_,' as they passed two young women, obviously a couple, holding hands down the street. She realizes she can’t even remember when Alec stopped wearing that _goddamn_ sweater and started wearing the marks of a soldier.

Suddenly, everything pivots. He starts smiling more, his head is held high, and colours start to slowly phase themselves back into his wardrobe (even if it’s mostly gray and navy blue). Even with her pending divorce and ex-communication, Maryse is not blind. She can see Alec’s nerves betrayed by his twitching behaviour and bouncing leg (a habit he never quite managed to drop from when he was a child). She also sees how Magnus reaches under the table to squeeze Alec’s hand reassuringly, and she sure as hell sees the blinding smile Alec gives Magnus, a smile she hadn’t seen since before Max was born. So she turns to Magnus.

_‘Thank you, for loving my boy.’_

***

Regretfully, Alec remembers a time full of sacrifice. For everyone he loved and devoted himself to, he gave up a little piece of himself each time. To the Clave, he gave his loyalty; to his father, he sacrificed his innocence and self-worth; to his mother, his happiness; for Jace, Izzy, and Max he sacrificed his independence and self-preservation. It was fine, because Alec gave himself up freely, devoting himself without expecting anything in return.

However, by the time he met Magnus, fell in love with Magnus, he had almost nothing left to give. Either way, Alec loved Magnus with visceral desperation, knowing that at some point he’d have nothing left and Magnus would leave.

It took an embarrassingly long time for him to realize what was right in front of him. It took until Magnus was standing there loving Alec even after Alec had broken his heart. Chaos surrounded them, and he had those damn rings in the palm of his hand.

_ ‘Alexander Gideon Lightwood, will you marry me?'_

Magnus gave it all back.

And then he was gone. Alec stopped at nothing to get him back. He pulled all-nighters, consulted every warlock he could get a hold of, was ready to change his identity, the very fibre of his being to find him again.

And he did. He got to stand at the altar, watching the love of his life stride down the aisle.

_‘I am, and will always be, your loving husband.’ _

He was whole again.

**Author's Note:**

> I debated on whether or not to add in Magnus' POV but I felt that it would kind of be off topic. It was originally supposed be only Izzy and Jace's POV and I probably should've left it at that because it all kind of unravelled towards the end. Hope it was all right.


End file.
